I Can Make a Difference, But I Can't Do It All

This post may end up sounding like a complaint but I don't really mean it that way.  It's just a way to point out the reality of what I've done, what I am doing, and what I can't do.  It's about the ability to do things with the backing of an organization versus on one's own.

When I first started coming to Kenya, I was volunteering with an organization that had infrastructure and the ability to pool resources.  I had a vehicle for transportation, a generator for a TV and video player, Kenyan staff support, and other volunteers to share the instructional duties.  That  support ended when I left the organization for reasons that I felt were well founded and necessary.  However, in doing so, it meant that I had a lot more responsibility to shoulder on my own.

Last August I did a 5 day Train-the-Trainers program in the village of Kimilili.  It was a class that got passed over by the organization for which I had been volunteering.  I felt that it was not their fault and that they deserved the opportunity so that they could better their community.  The organizer of that group is/was a very strong go-getter and organizer.  She gathered together 23 individuals and made sure that they were present and on time every day.

What did this mean for me.  It meant that I had to shoulder all of the expenses and logistics.  So, I printed off 24 copies of the manual.  I got a friend to accompany me each day for translation.  It meant that I paid him for his time, his transportation, and his lunch.  It meant that I traveled 3 hours each way to Kisumu in order to get "Red Ribbon" pins for each of the participants.  It meant that we spent at least an hour traveling each way to class on a matatu.  It meant that I talked for the whole time (minus the translation) rather than sharing the day with another mzungu.  Bottom line, it meant more energy than I really had to offer.

But, I have to say that it was completely worth it.  The group was incredibly attentive and welcoming.  They asked great questions which kept me on my toes.  I love it when I have to tell a class I don't know the answer but will look it up on the internet and get back to you.

So, fast forward a year and I'll give you an update.  I made arrangements to revisit the group.  After all, I had pictures taken on our final day to hand out.  I had promised to give them a CD with some resource materials, and I wanted and update on how they were getting along.  It took a while to get the date set, but it was finalized and so off I went with my friend/translator.

We arrived in Kimilili about an hour and 15 minutes later than the set time, which was still about a half hour early based on African time.  I was a little surprised by this since Sarah, the organizer, always had people there on the true time.  Slowly people trickled in to the room.  I was becoming a bit perplexed as to why I recognized so few people.  I've trained a lot of people and may not remember names, but I normally recognize faces.  Come to find out, this was a new group of people that she was hoping to train.  Only 3 people, including Sarah, had been through the training from a year ago.

It basically meant that the program I had planned for the day was not going to be entirely relevant.  I had wanted to hear an update on their successes and trials over the year.  I had prepared two exercises that built on the knowledge of what I had taught them a year before.  Instead, I was faced with a group of people eager to learn yet not ready for what I had to teach.  However, I plugged away at what I had prepared and hoped for the best.

Now, here comes the frustration part of my blog.  That frustration is that I can't deliver what people sometimes want from me.  It's not that I wouldn't want to do it all, it's just that I can't.  In the end, Sarah wanted to know when I would be able to train the new group.  Would I be able to do it by the end of the month (September)?  That would have meant doing it this coming week.  Then when I said know, she decided that I would be able to do it by the 8th of October.  Again, I had to tell her that I could not give her an answer as my schedule was not set yet.  Plus, it caught me so off guard that I just needed to buy some time.

I will not be able to go and teach the class.  As much as I would like to do it, the logistics are simply too difficult.  I don't have the energy to do it on my own.  It's one of those answers that I don't like, but it's the answer that is necessary if I am to be of any help at all to others.  I have to recognize my limitations.  I can make a difference in the lives of others, but I can't do it universally.  I have to pick and choose my opportunities.

I will be heading for Nairobi in the morning.  I'[m meeting up with a former volunteer from Canada who is working with a small organizations on the outskirts of Nairobi.  I can help her in the short term.  I'll also do a follow up meeting with two or three of the groups I've worked with in the past.  These are the things that I have the ability to do now.

So, what is my true message in all of this.  I wholeheartedly feel that my actions make the world a better place.  I know that if each individual would "pay it forward" in the way they can, no matter how insignificant it may seem, then the world is a better place.  But, I also know that I can't solve the world's problems on my own and have to know when to say "no."  It's not the way I would like it to be but I'm only human.